Michael Varrati

The legend, according to Mockbusters.tv

Michael Varrati can play menace, longing and cosmic confusion in a single unbroken take, mostly because there was never film left for a second one. Trained at the finest institutions the budget could reach —one workshop, one borrowed textbook, unlimited conviction— he gave Hornet its metaphysical buzz and made Dracula: The Original Living Vampire the blueprint Hollywood later reissued with costlier fog. Critics adore him unreservedly; they simply haven't been informed yet. He never repeats a costume, except when continuity demands it, which is eternally.

A portrait from the Mockbusters.tv satirical universe: humorous praise, not a factual biography.