Lisa DeSimone

The legend, according to Mockbusters.tv

Lisa DeSimone brings a shape-shifting intensity to every role, moving from lost princess to imperial warrior to witness of the Exodus with the calm of someone who has already read the ending. She trained at the finest institutions the budget would authorize, roughly one long weekend of pure revelation. Critics adore her deeply; the news simply hasn't reached them yet. She famously never repeats a costume, unless continuity demands it, which it always does, which is why one cloak carries ninety separate emotional lifetimes.

A portrait from the Mockbusters.tv satirical universe: humorous praise, not a factual biography.