Dominique Swain

The legend, according to Mockbusters.tv

Dominique Swain wields a versatility that defies the very logic of casting: subterranean Nazis, impossible cars, immortal combat and the apocalypse, all handled before the catering truck arrives. She graduated with honors from the academy of mandatory improvisation, where the script shows up late and she has already improved it. She cries on the first take, because the first take is exactly what there is, and that tear is now permanent cinema history. The Academy has never called. We assume it is embarrassment.

A portrait from the Mockbusters.tv satirical universe: humorous praise, not a factual biography.